University of North Carolina Athletics
GoHeels Exclusive: We Get To
February 22, 2020 | Women's Lacrosse, Featured Writers
By Pat James, GoHeels.com
Around 12:55 p.m. Saturday, minutes before the North Carolina women's lacrosse team's rivalry game against Maryland begins, Maddie Hoffer will line up near midfield, along with the rest of the Tar Heels' starters.
Between then and the opening draw, she'll glance around Dorrance Field. And at some point, her eyes will wander toward the home tunnel and its most visible wall, on which a logo of UNC's mascot, Rameses, and the words "we get to" have been painted.
"We get to" is the motto that Hoffer and fellow captains Katie Hoeg and Emma Trenchard have chosen for Carolina this season. But to them – and so many others – it means much more.
From the moment he was diagnosed with kidney cancer last February, Matt "Dezy" DiStefano – a teacher and volleyball coach at Hoffer's high school, Sachem North in Lake Ronkonkoma, N.Y. – ensured he never took any opportunity for granted. He looked at each one as an "I get to," all the way until he passed away on Jan. 27 at the age of 42.
Two months before then, Dezy, as big a UNC fan as you'll meet, came to Carolina and spoke with the men's and women's lacrosse teams. In a short meeting, he shared with them his motto. And while he might be gone, his legacy lives on, both with them and in Ronkonkoma.
"I'm so thankful that I got to know him beyond those 30 minutes he had with our team," Hoffer said. "But with that time he had with our team, he's definitely impacted each and every one of us."
Dezy started making an impact on Hoffer when she was a sophomore in high school.
At the time, he was Hoffer's assistant coach for the Sachem North JV girls basketball team. And as much as she remembers him for his smile, she remembers how he always hoped for her to commit more to basketball and how he reacted to her committing to UNC for lacrosse that year.
"He was so happy for me, but he still wanted my best," Hoffer said. "He still wanted me to come to basketball practice dialed in and ready because that's what he would have done. He was just such a well-rounded athlete and a wholesome person and so passionate about everything. He was the most competitive person I've ever been coached by probably."
Even after he stopped coaching her, Hoffer said she and Dezy stayed in touch. They occasionally chatted over social media, mainly about UNC basketball. And whenever he posted any pictures of his wife Jennifer, a physical education teacher at Sachem North, or their three children, Hoffer was quick to share them with her roommates.
But eventually, Hoffer's conversations about the DiStefanos became less about how much she hopes to have a family like theirs and more about what they were going through.
On Feb. 25, 2019, Dezy learned of his diagnosis. Given his celebrity-like status in Ronkonkoma, Hoffer said it didn't take long for the community to rally around him. Yet, as uplifting as that was, all Dezy could think about was how so many people with cancer don't receive such support.
That's what led him to found the Dezy Strong Foundation in August.
According to its website, the foundation was established to provide individuals with cancer the opportunity to access experiences that "directly affect a positive mental well-being." Such experiences have included events with the NHL's New York Islanders, the Hofstra volleyball program and the Sachem East High School football team.
"He wanted to coach, help, teach, support people," Hoffer said. "He was sick and he wasn't working at the time, so that (the foundation) was what he put all his time and energy into. The things he did with that time were unbelievable. I don't think there are many people who could have done so much in so little time."
Part of that, Hoffer said, was fueled by a change in perspective.
Following his diagnosis, Hoffer said Dezy started viewing everything he did as something he got to do as opposed to something he had to do or was able to do. Every day he woke up at 4:45 a.m. and reminded himself of that before going to work out; he learned he had cancer at 4:45 p.m.
As he shared his story at different speaking engagements, Hoffer said Dezy's motto grew in popularity. Eventually, Hoffer started seeing "#WeGetTo" posts all over social media. She also began internalizing Dezy's message, so much so that she referenced it and acknowledged him during UNC's first workout of the 2019-20 academic year back in August.
In the months that followed, Hoffer started making a push for Dezy to come to Chapel Hill. Not only did she want him to see what it's like – despite being a diehard Tar Heel fan, he'd never visited campus – but she also wanted her teammates to hear what he had to say.
Finally, in November, Dezy made the trip down from New York. And in between touring Chapel Hill and UNC's athletic facilities, he spoke with the men's and women's lacrosse teams.
Never did Hoffer expect his message to be as impactful as it was.
"He had the whole room in tears, just uncontrollable tears," said redshirt junior goalkeeper Taylor Moreno. "I would turn and you could tell it was hitting everyone hard.
"You could tell he knew what he was fighting and he understood needing to cherish every single moment that he had left," Moreno added. "You could tell when he was talking about his wife and his kids, that still hit home for him. And I think seeing him get emotional about it, too, it was super eye-opening for everyone. We were like, 'Man, this is something he's really, really fighting and he really wants to come out on top of.'"
"His aura and his energy was just so genuine and authentic and you got that coach vibe and that champion vibe from him," Hoffer said. "Just by listening to him speak, I think everyone just picked up on it and saw him as a role model, saw his story as inspirational. And you really saw the perspective of every single one of my teammates switch."
Hoffer said several of her teammates and members of the men's lacrosse team started following Dezy on social media after his visit. Many even set their alarms to 4:45 p.m. And as the Tar Heels went through the rest of preseason conditioning, they stopped talking about how hard it was and instead showed up each day saying, "We get to."
Those three words, Hoffer said, have become so ingrained in the team's culture that when Jenny Levy asked a few players what they thought should be done with the white walls in the tunnel leading out to Dorrance Field, they immediately said those words should be up there.
The choice of who would put them there was just as easy.
An exceptional artist, Moreno has done several paintings for her coaches and teammates, including one that hangs in Levy's office at Dorrance Field. Levy already had an idea for the tunnel wall when she approached Moreno about painting it. And although she'd never done a project so big, Moreno tackled it head-on.
Unfortunately, Moreno was in the process of painting the mural when Dezy passed away. That gave her even more motivation to finish it before the season, she said.
"I wanted to have it done before he passed to let him see it," Moreno said. "But Hoffer goes to me and she's like, 'Regardless of if he was alive or not, he's still going to see it.' That kind of meant a lot. It helped me relax a little bit and I was like, 'Alright, I'm going to do this the right way. I'm going to make it look good. I don't want to rush it.'"
There are still a few touchups Moreno said she hopes to make to the mural. It's extremely meaningful to her and her teammates as it is, though.
"I think being that it's going to be the thing you look at before you walk out there (onto the field), you can't help but see it," said Moreno ahead of UNC's home opener against Davidson on Feb. 16. "I know it will spark a fire in me. I hope it sparks it in everyone else."
It certainly will in Hoffer.
"I think it's going to be really helpful for myself and everyone to go through that tunnel every game, to see that and have the exact same feeling," Hoffer said. "No matter what position anyone is in, they should just be really thankful for the day and the opportunity to play the sport we love and just to be here and be healthy and be in this fantastic facility and be a part of a team because that is all he ever wanted to do, and that's what everyone's dream is."
So Hoffer and her teammates will keep living it, not because they can, but because they get to.
Around 12:55 p.m. Saturday, minutes before the North Carolina women's lacrosse team's rivalry game against Maryland begins, Maddie Hoffer will line up near midfield, along with the rest of the Tar Heels' starters.
Between then and the opening draw, she'll glance around Dorrance Field. And at some point, her eyes will wander toward the home tunnel and its most visible wall, on which a logo of UNC's mascot, Rameses, and the words "we get to" have been painted.
"We get to" is the motto that Hoffer and fellow captains Katie Hoeg and Emma Trenchard have chosen for Carolina this season. But to them – and so many others – it means much more.
From the moment he was diagnosed with kidney cancer last February, Matt "Dezy" DiStefano – a teacher and volleyball coach at Hoffer's high school, Sachem North in Lake Ronkonkoma, N.Y. – ensured he never took any opportunity for granted. He looked at each one as an "I get to," all the way until he passed away on Jan. 27 at the age of 42.
Two months before then, Dezy, as big a UNC fan as you'll meet, came to Carolina and spoke with the men's and women's lacrosse teams. In a short meeting, he shared with them his motto. And while he might be gone, his legacy lives on, both with them and in Ronkonkoma.
"I'm so thankful that I got to know him beyond those 30 minutes he had with our team," Hoffer said. "But with that time he had with our team, he's definitely impacted each and every one of us."
Dezy started making an impact on Hoffer when she was a sophomore in high school.
At the time, he was Hoffer's assistant coach for the Sachem North JV girls basketball team. And as much as she remembers him for his smile, she remembers how he always hoped for her to commit more to basketball and how he reacted to her committing to UNC for lacrosse that year.
"He was so happy for me, but he still wanted my best," Hoffer said. "He still wanted me to come to basketball practice dialed in and ready because that's what he would have done. He was just such a well-rounded athlete and a wholesome person and so passionate about everything. He was the most competitive person I've ever been coached by probably."
Even after he stopped coaching her, Hoffer said she and Dezy stayed in touch. They occasionally chatted over social media, mainly about UNC basketball. And whenever he posted any pictures of his wife Jennifer, a physical education teacher at Sachem North, or their three children, Hoffer was quick to share them with her roommates.
But eventually, Hoffer's conversations about the DiStefanos became less about how much she hopes to have a family like theirs and more about what they were going through.
On Feb. 25, 2019, Dezy learned of his diagnosis. Given his celebrity-like status in Ronkonkoma, Hoffer said it didn't take long for the community to rally around him. Yet, as uplifting as that was, all Dezy could think about was how so many people with cancer don't receive such support.
That's what led him to found the Dezy Strong Foundation in August.
According to its website, the foundation was established to provide individuals with cancer the opportunity to access experiences that "directly affect a positive mental well-being." Such experiences have included events with the NHL's New York Islanders, the Hofstra volleyball program and the Sachem East High School football team.
"He wanted to coach, help, teach, support people," Hoffer said. "He was sick and he wasn't working at the time, so that (the foundation) was what he put all his time and energy into. The things he did with that time were unbelievable. I don't think there are many people who could have done so much in so little time."
Part of that, Hoffer said, was fueled by a change in perspective.
Following his diagnosis, Hoffer said Dezy started viewing everything he did as something he got to do as opposed to something he had to do or was able to do. Every day he woke up at 4:45 a.m. and reminded himself of that before going to work out; he learned he had cancer at 4:45 p.m.
As he shared his story at different speaking engagements, Hoffer said Dezy's motto grew in popularity. Eventually, Hoffer started seeing "#WeGetTo" posts all over social media. She also began internalizing Dezy's message, so much so that she referenced it and acknowledged him during UNC's first workout of the 2019-20 academic year back in August.
In the months that followed, Hoffer started making a push for Dezy to come to Chapel Hill. Not only did she want him to see what it's like – despite being a diehard Tar Heel fan, he'd never visited campus – but she also wanted her teammates to hear what he had to say.
Finally, in November, Dezy made the trip down from New York. And in between touring Chapel Hill and UNC's athletic facilities, he spoke with the men's and women's lacrosse teams.
Never did Hoffer expect his message to be as impactful as it was.
"He had the whole room in tears, just uncontrollable tears," said redshirt junior goalkeeper Taylor Moreno. "I would turn and you could tell it was hitting everyone hard.
"You could tell he knew what he was fighting and he understood needing to cherish every single moment that he had left," Moreno added. "You could tell when he was talking about his wife and his kids, that still hit home for him. And I think seeing him get emotional about it, too, it was super eye-opening for everyone. We were like, 'Man, this is something he's really, really fighting and he really wants to come out on top of.'"
"His aura and his energy was just so genuine and authentic and you got that coach vibe and that champion vibe from him," Hoffer said. "Just by listening to him speak, I think everyone just picked up on it and saw him as a role model, saw his story as inspirational. And you really saw the perspective of every single one of my teammates switch."
Hoffer said several of her teammates and members of the men's lacrosse team started following Dezy on social media after his visit. Many even set their alarms to 4:45 p.m. And as the Tar Heels went through the rest of preseason conditioning, they stopped talking about how hard it was and instead showed up each day saying, "We get to."
Those three words, Hoffer said, have become so ingrained in the team's culture that when Jenny Levy asked a few players what they thought should be done with the white walls in the tunnel leading out to Dorrance Field, they immediately said those words should be up there.
The choice of who would put them there was just as easy.
An exceptional artist, Moreno has done several paintings for her coaches and teammates, including one that hangs in Levy's office at Dorrance Field. Levy already had an idea for the tunnel wall when she approached Moreno about painting it. And although she'd never done a project so big, Moreno tackled it head-on.
Unfortunately, Moreno was in the process of painting the mural when Dezy passed away. That gave her even more motivation to finish it before the season, she said.
"I wanted to have it done before he passed to let him see it," Moreno said. "But Hoffer goes to me and she's like, 'Regardless of if he was alive or not, he's still going to see it.' That kind of meant a lot. It helped me relax a little bit and I was like, 'Alright, I'm going to do this the right way. I'm going to make it look good. I don't want to rush it.'"
There are still a few touchups Moreno said she hopes to make to the mural. It's extremely meaningful to her and her teammates as it is, though.
"I think being that it's going to be the thing you look at before you walk out there (onto the field), you can't help but see it," said Moreno ahead of UNC's home opener against Davidson on Feb. 16. "I know it will spark a fire in me. I hope it sparks it in everyone else."
It certainly will in Hoffer.
"I think it's going to be really helpful for myself and everyone to go through that tunnel every game, to see that and have the exact same feeling," Hoffer said. "No matter what position anyone is in, they should just be really thankful for the day and the opportunity to play the sport we love and just to be here and be healthy and be in this fantastic facility and be a part of a team because that is all he ever wanted to do, and that's what everyone's dream is."
So Hoffer and her teammates will keep living it, not because they can, but because they get to.
Players Mentioned
Attacker
/ Women's Lacrosse
Defender
/ Women's Lacrosse
Goalkeeper
/ Women's Lacrosse
Defender
/ Women's LacrosseMonday, June 15
Saturday, June 13
Saturday, June 13
Friday, June 12